A time to cry

It’s only natural to want to protect a young child from pain – including the pain of grief. However, the best you can do for any bereaved child is to realise that you cannot and should not attempt to take away that pain. Grief is one of life’s many journeys. The best you can do to assist a child is to do just that – assist them. Donna Schuurman sums it up: "Children know and understand much more than we give them credit for. They do not need to be taught how to grieve as much as they need to be allowed to grieve. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn."

The elements to healthy mourning
Specialists and counsellors agree that there are essential elements to healthy mourning. Dr Alan D Wolfelt of The Centre for Loss and Life Transition, lists these as:
 acceptance of the fact of death.
 embracing the pain of the loss.
 remembering the person who has died.
 developing a new sense of identity.
 searching for meaning.
 receiving and accepting support.
 reconciliation.

It is likely that you will also be in mourning and therefore also struggling to move through these stages. This is one of those times when you, the parent, should let go and respect your youngster’s rights and needs, which are exactly the same as yours at this time. Your child is also experiencing acute pain – perhaps worse than yours – as it is a completely new experience and therefore very intense. A child is likely to be confused and afraid, whereas you have learnt previously that life does go on – whether you want it to or not. Your beloved child is moving through that pain threshold for the first time.

Different levels of understanding
The age of the child also needs to be taken into account. In her excellent book So Will I Comfort You, South African Jenny Kander details how comprehension increases from baby to pre-teens. Toddlers, for example, have no concept of time, but do suffer sepa­ration anxiety. A two-year-old will find simplified fac­tual information most helpful, but a five-year-old needs help to under­stand that death is not sleep – it is permanent. By eight, funerals are com­prehensible; but at nine or ten, their own mortality is a frightening concept and lots of reassurance is required about cause and effect. From nine to 12, abstract thought is developing and there will be questions about spirituality and about conse­quences; so reassure the child that although God doesn’t take children, he does receive them.

There are no rules
Remember that mourning is a unique process. Everyone’s experience will be different, so make no comparisons, no as­sumptions. There are no deadlines and very few norms. However, it is possible to significantly assist the mourning process. Remember always that your child is learning from the example you set; so be kind to yourself too through this period; be totally honest and open. Honour your own unique journey.

Acceptance is also not an on or off switch. Your child may have difficulty in absorbing the absoluteness, the utter finality and is likely to keep asking ques­tions. Use appropriate language and listen carefully to responses. Avoid con­fusing adult phrases like ‘passed away’, ‘God’s flower picked’ or ‘lost’; rather stick to the honest, simple truth. As a general rule, let your child talk. Just list­ening is often all that you can do and all that is necessary. Bedtime is a good opportunity to plant positive thoughts in your child’s sub­conscious so that dreams may assist mourning. Help your child to fall asleep, remembering Granny’s naughty smile rather than the day she died.

So many feelings
Jenny Kander advises that a young child is unlikely to be able to deal with strong emotions such as fear and loss alone, and will need to be reassured that these feelings are normal and acceptable; and that it is good to be honest with feelings and thoughts. They need to understand that sadness is like any other pain, it goes away eventually; and that when sad people cry, they are consolable. Crying is a coping mechanism given to every one of us by Mother Nature. So why encourage a child to suppress this stress-releasing outlet? Rather cuddle your child and share his sadness. Pretending that you have every­thing under control will only make children think that their pain is ‘wrong’ or ‘shame­ful’ in some way. The life-sapping pain of grief has to be embraced by every mour­ner, regardless of age. Many adults ‘bottle it up’ and never complete the mourning process, staying sad and angry forever. There are no valid reasons to ‘pull oneself together’, nor to ‘just get on with life!’ A patronising, "Ag shame! Look at the little one cry! There, there!" approach is also counter-productive. Where a child is guilt-stricken at having survived or having wished ill upon a sibling, Kander suggests that the difference between thoughts, words and deeds be explained.

Closure is important
Closure should include physical activities because participation eases feelings of help­lessness. Funerals and wakes are age-old rituals for good reason – they help! It is better for your children to each decide for them­selves whether or not to attend the fune­ral and what to wear. Your decision to exclude the child is likely to isolate him. Some children value the opportunity to participate – speaking or reading aloud their own tribute as part of the ceremony. A known adult who will not be overwhelmed with grief should be asked to gently take charge of the child. Be absolutely truthful and use simple language describing what they could expect at the funeral – before, during and after. Allow your child’s natural curiosity to steer the dis­cussion through all the innocent questions and naive fears. If the body will be on view, be sure young children are expecting this and understand that their special person is now cold and can no longer feel or hear anything.

Part of remembering and healing is also being able to talk about the deceased. Display family photographs rather than hide them away, and encourage everyone to talk about the deceased openly and honestly. If these conversations result in tears, just be there. Demonstrate your faith in your child’s natural resilience. With support, this is a healthy process – your child is learning how to cope with loss, which is a basic life skill. Dr Wolfelt refers to the development of a new ‘self-identity’. All too often adults push a boy into the role of ‘man of the house’, or a girl into the position of caretaker of the younger siblings. This effectively robs the child of his or her remaining childhood! Whilst mourning is one of the child’s natural opportunities to ‘grow’ and mature, it is vital that each child be given time and space to carve out his or her own new vision of self. There is little doubt that well-briefed teachers and counsellors can also assist in this process.

The key: communication
Some children will struggle to express their feelings but communication is vital, so take some time to ask gentle questions and listen carefully. They all need to be told how they are special and a great consolation. Encourage them and boost their self-confidence – it will help them through the mourning period. There may be periods of appetite loss or difficulty sleeping; this is normal – within limits. Regular exercise is sometimes difficult at these times, but is much more beneficial to natural life patterns than medi­cation. Your child’s inevi­table questions also need answering. ‘Why little John?’ ‘Where has Granny gone?’ ‘Why did the doctors not save Daddy?’ Think of this as an important part of your child’s spiritual journey and admit that you, too, are still figuring some of the answers out for yourself. If you claim to know all the answers, then you both need help! Just let your child know that she or he is not alone in the wilderness. Grief will inevitably bring on the full array of emotions – anger, fear, frustration, lone­liness, abandonment, guilt and many more. It is vital that your child understand that these reactions are quite normal and need to be worked through. It is normal that there will be a lot of attention seeking, as the child will feel insecure and helpless; and anger at the deceased for causing all this pain and unhappiness is also not unusual. Comfort and reassurance is required.

The danger of shrining or idealising
Jenny Kander points out that shrining or idealising a deceased child represents a denial of reality, which is confusing to the surviving sibling(s). Keeping the dead child’s room exactly intact can anger the survivors, causing anxiety and regressive behaviour as they attempt to win back your attention and reassurance. Because we were created to endure suffering and to grow through struggle, you can rest assured that your child will survive. With appropriate assistance and support, your child can integrate into his new reality the knowledge that life does go on without the physical presence of their beloved. Eventually you will both find comfort in that truth rather than the unbearable pain it first brought.

ways to get through it
The following are some helpful sugges­tions, made by moms who’ve been there:
 Your child may prefer to go to the chapel a few hours earlier, before everyone else, to say ‘goodbye’ in private.
 If they want to participate, offer to help them make a wreath or a drawing to place on the casket.
 Sandra, recently widowed, advises: "Rather than listing suggestions, just chat generally about what other people have tried. The form that a child’s mourning takes does not matter; what matters is feeling understood. The more spontaneous and personal, the better." She helped her children make a collage of pictures cut from old magazines, choosing pictures and colours that expressed their emotions. "I made one too – it was a wonderful shared healing activity. I have them still."
 Collect flowers or petals and scatter them ceremoniously.
 Prayer in any form always helps.
 Your child should be allowed to choose a keepsake or memento. Granny’s brooch, Uncle Tim’s favourite shirt, what­ever. Make it something very personal but not valuable (ie worth stealing).
 Some children may want to place a notice in the obituary column.
 Older children may benefit from keeping a journal.
 Few will forget Prince Harry’s hand­writ­ten card ‘I love you Mummy’ on a very simple arrangement of white rosebuds on Princess Diana’s casket.
 Plant one of Granny’s favourite trees or shrubs. ‘The digging was particularly cathartic,’ said one tearful mom.
 ‘My niece and I made a number of ar­rangements of sea shells in shapes and patterns on the sea sand – then watched whilst the tide carried them gently away. All the while we talked and re­mem­bered,’ explain­ed ano­ther mom. (Sand­castles are another alternative.)
 Supervise a cere­mony involving fire – dropping into the fire pieces of wood or paper on which the child has recorded sad and loving thoughts and me­mories. It helps, but isn’t necessary, to read the messages out loud as they are added to the pyre. A sing-along at sunset or around any fire is good.
 Candles are also a great help. Encourage your children to place lit candles in a special place, symbolising that the dearly departed will live on forever in our hearts.
 One young girl chose to release helium balloons with love messages, as her mom revealed.

Recommended reading
 So Will I Comfort You by Jenny Kander
 When Bad Things Happen to Good People by HS Kushner
 In the Light of Death by Timothy Frek


 As Someone Dies by Elizabeth A John­son
 On Death and Dying and On Life After Death by Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Useful contacts
The Society of Compassionate Friends of SA Ð (021) 553-0038 or (011) 440-6322, or www.compassionatefriends.co.za.
Also, visit www.grievingchild.org.

BY TESS FAIRWEATHER